I Love to Torture Myself

Well my royal subjects.  Today is Ash Wednesday and it is supposed to be a day to start giving up something that you love/indulge in.  Now I am Roman Catholic and I practice ....not so much.  Without getting too much into the religion aspect, cause lets face it, it pisses too many people off and that isn't really what I want to talk about, I wanted to let you know that I've decided to give up one thing and gain one thing.

I've decided this last night with the hubby.  We smoked our last pack last night, and before deciding who goes to the store to get more, I suggested quitting for Lent.  This way it gives us an added reason and saves us money, and we're doing the "proper" religious thing.

He agreed.

So it has been 15 hrs since my last smoke.  I went to bed right after the last smoke I had so it wasn't so bad then.  This morning, I usually have one right when I get up, and well I didn't so that was a little difficult.  I also usually have them while I talk to my bestie on the phone, but didn't.  What was hardest today so far, was when hubby came home from work for lunch.  We usually have two or three while he's home.  So its a matter of habit breaking.  I haven't really craved the smoke itself, just the habit of going outside.  Typing this actually makes me think I wanna smoke.  But I truly don't.  Talking about it with the bestie is slightly difficult, I just told her I don't want to talk about it, cause it makes it harder.  Hopefully she understands.

Another few reasons to quit my smoking as well as hubby is for financial.  This year needs to be a year of sacrifices.  I don't wanna be pay check to pay check any more, and still be in the red.  It sucks.  By hubby and I not smoking we save several hundred dollars per month.  This will help to put money other places.  This decision is obviously better for our health, especially me as we are currently thinking that I am pregnant.

That is right.  You read correctly.  If I've done my math right, I'm about 4.5 weeks along.  I was taking birth control faithfully, and well I don't think it worked this time, because I have never missed my time of the month while taking birth control no matter what stresses I was going through.    So I took a test a few days ago, and it came back negative but I could've tested to early.  I haven't taken my next cycle of pills in fear I am pregnant cause I'm 1.5 weeks late.

I'm a planner.  I only ever wanted one child, planned for one child, can (just barely) afford one child.  I was just about to get my independence back with my Princess going to school this coming fall, and now ....could be another baby in the mix!

I'm conflicted about this.  With my recent diagnosis of degenerative disc disorder, financial, desires for my life, etc....its not a good time to have a child.  However when is it ever a good time?  I know people manage with less than what I have with three or four children.  However I think I'll be disappointed if I'm not pregnant?  Oh my God, I'm pissing my own self off just typing it.

Here is one better, I've already picked out the names!  GAWD I'm awful.

Also hubby and I have decided that every day when he comes home from work we're gonna go on a family walk.  This way it gets me out and about, and working on losing weight, and in shape for a possible child, and we are forced to spend time with each other.

So I'm quitting something I love, which is smoking.  I'm gaining some exercise, and losing some weight, and yet suffering mentally from the possible predicament of a child.

I'm retesting a week from today to find out if I am expecting.